Shrekking: The Dating Trend of Choosing an „Ugly“ Partner and What It Says About Modern Love

In recent months, the word „Shrekking“ has started to appear more and more often in dating conversations and on social media. The term is inspired by Shrek, the animated ogre who doesn’t fit conventional beauty standards, yet is portrayed as kind, loyal and deeply lovable. In the dating context, “Shrekking” usually refers to choosing a partner who is seen as less conventionally attractive than you are – sometimes by choice, sometimes as a joke at someone else’s expense.

Behind this seemingly lighthearted label lies a cluster of uncomfortable questions about modern dating: How much does appearance still matter when we choose a partner? Are we really as deep and non‑superficial as we claim? And what does it mean when other people judge your relationship as “punching below your weight”?

This article unpacks what Shrekking actually is, which mindsets and insecurities it can reveal, and what the trend tells us about love in a world obsessed with appearances.

What “Shrekking” Really Means

There is no scientific definition of Shrekking; it is a loose social media term used in several ways. Sometimes people say they are “Shrekking” when they deliberately date someone they consider less attractive than their previous partners, or “below their league”, often with the idea that this will give them more security in the relationship. In other cases, people use the word mockingly from the outside, to suggest that someone “could do better” and is settling for a partner who looks like a downgrade.

There is also a more positive spin: some people use Shrekking to describe consciously stepping away from mainstream beauty standards and choosing partners based on qualities like kindness, humor or emotional reliability instead of polished looks and perfect photos.

What all these uses have in common is a hidden assumption that one person in the relationship is objectively less attractive – that there is a clear hierarchy of beauty on which we can place both partners. This assumption is precisely what makes the term tricky. It reduces complex relationships to a crude beauty ranking and treats appearance as the central metric in love, even when it pretends to criticize superficiality.

Why Would Someone Intentionally Date “Below Their League”?

Behind the decision to Shrek – or behind the accusation that someone is doing it – there can be very different motives. Some of them are understandable attempts to feel safe and genuinely seen. Others are more about status and control than about connection.

One powerful driver is the search for security. If you have spent years comparing yourself to more attractive siblings, friends or ex‑partners, or if you have painful experiences with infidelity or rejection, you might start to believe that being with a very “desirable” partner is risky. You may fear you will never feel good enough, that there will always be competition, or that your partner will eventually leave for someone “better.” In that mindset, choosing someone who is seen as less conventionally attractive can feel like a shortcut to safety. The logic is: if my partner doesn’t have as many options on the dating market, they will be more loyal, more grateful and less likely to cheat.

On the surface this may sound like a clever strategy, but it rests on a fragile foundation. It turns your partner into a kind of insurance policy against your own insecurities. The relationship becomes less about mutual desire and more about managing fear. If you secretly believe your partner is with you because they have no better choice, and you are with them because you want to feel superior and secure, it is difficult to build true intimacy and equality.

For others, the appeal of something like Shrekking is almost the opposite. They are tired of dating based on appearances. They may have tried relationships with conventionally attractive partners that felt shallow or performative. They may feel exhausted by dating apps where everyone looks like a curated brand. Choosing a partner who does not match the Instagram template then becomes an act of rebellion: a way to say “I’m done playing by these rules.” In this sense, the choice can be liberating and deeply authentic. You pay more attention to how you feel around someone than to how they look in photos. You prioritize shared values, kindness, humor and emotional safety – and you may discover that your sense of attraction actually deepens over time, even if the initial spark was not purely physical.

Unfortunately, the language of Shrekking does not do justice to this more positive version. It still frames the partner as the “ugly one” and keeps the conversation stuck in beauty rankings, even when the underlying shift is actually about moving beyond those rankings.

Finally, there is the cynical and often cruel angle: using the term Shrekking purely as a joke. Friends may tease each other that they are “Shrekking” when they date someone who does not meet the group’s aesthetic expectations. Online commenters may label celebrity couples this way. In these cases, the word has little to do with the real emotional quality of the relationship. It functions mainly as a way to score status points by devaluing others, to imply “I would never settle like that” or “I could do better.”

What the Trend Reveals About Modern Dating

Whether you personally relate to the idea of Shrekking or not, the conversation around it highlights three major tensions in contemporary dating culture.

First, it exposes the gap between our values and our behavior. Most people like to present themselves as deep, mature and “not superficial.” We say that personality, values and emotional intelligence matter more than looks. Yet our behavior – especially on dating apps – often tells another story. We swipe based on a handful of photos. We internalize the idea that having an objectively attractive partner is a kind of achievement. We feel secretly proud when friends describe our date as “hot” or “a catch.” Then, when someone dates a partner who does not match those standards, we are quick to judge. Shrekking simply gives a name to this double standard: we want to be above looks, but we still use looks as a silent scorecard.

Second, the trend reveals how strongly our sense of self‑worth is tied to the idea of a dating “market.” Language about “leagues” and “trading up or down” treats people like assets whose value can be measured and compared. In that mindset, the partner you choose becomes a reflection of your own worth. If your partner is extremely good‑looking, successful and admired, it feels like a status upgrade. If others think you are “settling,” it can feel like an embarrassing downgrade. Shrekking enters this logic by suggesting you are dating below your market value – whether as a deliberate tactic or as a failure in taste. The real casualty here is intimacy. As long as you see yourself and others through a market lens, it is hard to relax into the simple question: how do we make each other feel?

Third, Shrekking also signals a quiet counter‑movement against the pressures of hyper‑curated attraction. Many people are genuinely worn out by online dating performance. They feel they are always “on,” presenting the best angle, the best bio, the best banter. In that climate, falling for someone who is not obviously photogenic, who perhaps even gets you judgmental comments from others, can feel strangely grounding. It becomes an act of loyalty to your own experience: “You may not see what I see, but I know how I feel with this person.” Seen this way, Shrekking is less a trend and more a symptom of a deeper longing for authenticity in relationships.

The Problem With Calling It “Shrekking”

Even if we can empathize with some of the motives behind Shrekking, the term itself carries several problems.

It assumes there is such a thing as an objectively ugly person. In reality, attraction is highly subjective and culturally shaped. Traits that are idealized in one context are neutral or even undesirable in another. By stamping someone as a “Shrek partner,” you ignore this nuance and pretend there is a universal beauty scale that everyone agrees on.

It reinforces body shaming. Comparing someone to a cartoon ogre for laughs might seem harmless, but it sends a clear message: some faces and bodies are legitimate targets for ridicule. It tells people who do not fit narrow beauty ideals that their presence in a romantic context is inherently surprising or comical.

It reduces complex relationships to a single dimension. Every couple contains a history of shared moments, private jokes, vulnerabilities, conflicts and growth. When observers label a relationship as Shrekking, they flatten all of that into “one of them is less attractive.” This not only disrespects the couple, it also encourages you as a dater to focus on the wrong questions: instead of asking whether you feel safe, respected and alive with someone, you start worrying about whether others think you could do better.

How to Navigate These Dynamics in Your Own Dating Life

If you recognize any of these patterns in your own experiences there is no need for shame, but it is worth slowing down and getting curious about what is really guiding your choices.

Start by examining your motives. If you notice that you feel drawn to partners you consider “beneath your league” mainly because you expect them to be more grateful, more loyal or easier to control, it might be a sign that your dating decisions are driven by fear rather than by genuine attraction and respect. In that case, working on your own sense of worth – independently of who you date – will be more sustainable than trying to outsource your security to a carefully managed power imbalance.

On the other hand, if you find that your most fulfilling connections have been with people who do not fit your friends’ or society’s idea of an ideal partner, give yourself permission to trust your own experience. Attraction can grow in ways that are not obvious from the outside. You are the only one who knows how you feel in this person’s presence, how they treat you when no one is watching and who you become when you are with them. If others mock or question your choice, you can still acknowledge their bias without internalizing it as truth.

It can also be enlightening to look at the way you talk about your partners, past and present. Do you describe them mainly in terms of their looks and how impressive they are to others? Or do you naturally talk about their character, the way they support you, the energy between you? If you catch yourself joking that you are “dating down” or that you are “Shrekking” for safety, take a moment to imagine how your partner would feel hearing those words. Sometimes a simple empathy check is enough to remind you that this person is not a strategy, but a human being.

Finally, ask yourself what attractiveness really means to you. Beyond the templates handed to you by media and social networks, which traits make someone compelling in your eyes? It may help to think of people you have found deeply attractive over time and notice how much of that had to do with their face or body, and how much came from their presence, values, humor, kindness or drive. This does not mean pretending that physical attraction does not matter; it does. It simply means allowing your own definition of attraction to be broader and more personal than a stranger’s hotness scale.

What Modern Love Can Learn From the Shrekking Debate

In the end, Shrekking is less a clearly defined trend than a mirror held up to our dating culture. It reveals a tension between the desire to be seen as deep and the persistent pull of superficial status markers. It shows how easily we slide into market language – leagues, upgrading, trading – when we talk about something as intimate as choosing a partner. And it hints at a quiet hunger to step away from these metrics altogether, to find relationships that feel good from the inside, even if they don’t photograph perfectly.

If there is a lesson here for modern love, it is not that you should deliberately seek out “ugly” partners, nor that you should ignore physical attraction entirely. It is to notice how often you let imaginary spectators sit in judgment over your love life. When you catch yourself wondering what your friends will think of someone’s looks, or whether your couple photos will impress, pause and bring the focus back to the only questions that really matter: Do I feel respected? Do I feel safe? Do I like who I am with this person? Do we treat each other well when nobody else is watching?

When you answer those questions honestly, the idea of “leagues” and “Shrekking” starts to lose its power. The point of dating is not to win a beauty contest by proxy, but to build a relationship that fits you. From that perspective, modern love becomes less about how your partner ranks and more about how you both show up for each other – which is, ultimately, what makes a relationship worth choosing and keeping.